Vincent Valentine a dad?
by MalikaiDragonSlayer
Summary: Sephiroth and the Remnants have just come back from the lifestream... as children. Chaos ensues, pun intended,  as Vincent is thrust into the role of Daddy to the previously-evil-and-insane kids. Will he survive? No.
1. Chapter 1

**Vincent Valentine a... Dad?**

**A/N: I shouldn't be starting another story right now but this idea won't leave me alone. As some of you know I like to torture the men of Final Fantasy VII with kids (i.e. Cloud Strife: Is Raising Kids Harder Than Saving the World) so of course I had to do it to one of my very favorite guys... VINNIE! LOL He is so screwed!**

**Disclaimer: Honestly, do the owners of things with awesome stories really go on Fanfiction looking for people to sue? I think not.**

**Chapter One: Vincent becomes a daddy and it doesn't even please his hormones**

It was a normal day for Vincent Valentine, Ex-Turk, gunman, member of the WRO, member of AVALANCHE, and immortal monster. Yes, everything was perfectly normal for Vincent aside from the fact that he was escorting four silver haired young children that had once be raving Jenova-crazy-maniacs to Seventh Heaven. He'd been heading there for the holidays when he found them

"Where are we going Daddy?" Now, it takes a lot to surprise Vincent, being that he's a stoic immortal Ex-Turk, but if you were going to comprise a list of things that could surprise him being called Daddy by a six year old version of Sephiroth would be number one. Vincent stopped and stared at him mouth agape for a moment before recovering.

"I-I'm not your d-daddy," he stuttered out.

"Yeah you awe Awith said so." Vincent blinked. Why the hell would Aerith tell them that he, Vincent Grimoire Valentine, was their... "Daddy"?

"Well I'm not."

"Yes you awe." Vincent sighed and decided to let the subject drop for a while. He surveyed the children. Their clothes were ratty and dirty. Deciding that he didn't want to be stopped by some misguided child advocate for neglect he went to get them some new ones. Entering a quiet shop full of clothes, he looked around. Vincent realized he had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what to get. A middle aged store employee came up to him smiling.

"Need some help?"

"Uh, yes, um, I don't know, uh, what to get for them." the employee appraised the four silver haired kids. She moved away for a moment and then came back with four outfits. Aside from the sizes, and colors of the sweatshirts and coats they all looked exactly same: Puffy coat, Sweatshirt, white t-shirt, underwear, white sports socks, dark wash jeans, black sneakers, blue gloves, and blue hats.

"Thank you ma'am," he quickly fished out the appropriate amount of Gil. "Is there any where I can-"

"Dressing rooms are over there," the woman said guessing his next question.

"Thank you," he repeated, walking the boys over to the dressing rooms. Dressing three of his four little charges was an amazingly embarrassing experience for Vincent. At least Sephiroth could dress himself. He quietly ushered them out of the store thanking the woman for a third time.

"You still didn't say where we were going Daddy."

"Again, I'm not your Daddy."

"Yeah huh, yeah huh! You are our Daddy!" This time it was Loz. Vincent wanted to curl up in a ball and hide somewhere. Or better yet, go to sleep in a coffin for a few years.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not!" Vincent heard a chuckle.

"Yeah, I tried to tell my little ones that too," an old man said, patting Vincent on the back. "They never believed me." Vincent rolled his eyes. He had to get to Seventh Heaven. Fast.

To his absolute relief Vincent finally got to the bar. Opening the door he was greeted happily by Tifa.

"Vincent! You made it- what the?" All of his friends which included Tifa, Cloud, Barret, Cid, Shera, Yuffie, RedXIII/Nanaki, Reno, Rude, Tseng, Elena, Rufus, Elmyra and Reeve, plus Marlene and Denzel looked at him in surprise when they saw his companions.

"Yeah, 'what the?' that's what I want to know," Vincent answered, setting Kadaj down.

"Don' put me down Daddy!" Vincent turned crimson.

"I'm not your Daddy," he mumbled knowing it would do no good.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID KADAJ JUST CALL VINCE 'DADDY'?" Cid shouted cigarette dropping out of his mouth.

"Not in front of the children, honey." Shera said softly patting her husband.

"CHILDREN? WHAT THE FUCK WOMAN! THESE ARE FUCKING INSANE BASTARDS THAT TRIED TO DESTROY THE FUCKING WORLD!" That was when Kadaj began to cry. Everyone was dumbstruck. Tifa recovered first.

"It's okay Kadaj! Ssh! Ssh!" She said picking up the toddler into her arms.

"He *hic* d-don't *hic* like us." Kadaj cried pointing to Cid. Cid humphed in agreement.

"Doesn't," Vincent corrected automatically. All eyes turned to him. "He doesn't like you." That got Kadaj sobbing harder.

"No, No Kadaj. He does like you _ALL_ of _DADDY'S_ friends like you." Tifa glared at everyone daring them to disagree. No one decided to mess with her. Especially in her mothering mode.

"I'm hungry!" Loz announced suddenly.

"VINCENT GRIMOIRE VALENTINE! YOU DIDN'T FEED YOUR KIDS?" Tifa shouted at the taller, older man.

"They're not my kids and I didn't know they needed to be fed!" Vincent answered cowering away from her anger, kind of wishing he were a bug so he could run away.

"OF COURSE THEY NEED TO BE FED THEY ARE HUMAN BEINGS!"

"Some would disagree with that statement," Red/Nanaki muttered. Tifa didn't hear him as she was bringing the kids over to one of the bar tables.

"So, uh, what's the, uh, story Vincent?" Rufus asked scratching the back of his head.

"I found them near the outskirts of Edge and decided to bring them here. I was confused when they started calling me "daddy" and even more confused when Sephiroth said Aerith told them I was their father-"

"She did," Sephiroth interrupted, "She told us you were our daddy. She showed us you and told us when you would find us."

"Um, Sephiroth, if I may ask how old you guys are?" Nanaki asked as kindly as he could, not wishing to incur Tifa's wrath.

"I'm six." So I was right. Vincent thought to himself.

"I'm five!" Loz answered cheerfully.

"I fwour." That was the first time Vincent had heard Yazoo speak.

"I thwee!" Kadaj shouted, for some reason extremely excited.

"And, uh, when did Aerith tell you that Vincent was your, uh, 'daddy'?"

"Before we came," Sephiroth answered simply.

"He must mean while they were in the lifestream," Cloud muttered to himself.

"You guys should go to bed," Tifa said gazing at the silver haired children. "Denzel and Marlene too." there were a few "Oh please Tifa Vincent just got here" and "We're not tired" from Marlene and Denzel. But eventually the kids were ushered upstairs. That is, aside from Kadaj who refused to leave his "Daddy" even for a minute. He was asleep on Vincent's lap. Vincent was now slightly angry at himself for carrying Kadaj the whole way; now the child was clingy.

"Well Vincent this must be they were reincarnated to get another chance at life. And your obviously supposed to give it to them," Reeve told the gunman seriously.

Before Vincent could answer Cloud said, "Think of it as a way to atone for your sins." Vincent found himself not being able to argue. Vincent had committed many sins and if this was the planet's way of repaying him, so be it. Vincent had only one thing to say:

"Fuck my life."

Twenty-one people fitting in one house/bar was an interesting challenge, especially since fifteen of them were fully grown adults. It had been decided that Denzel and Sephiroth would share Denzel's bed and Loz and Yazoo would share the trundle under Denzel's bed. Marlene was already sleeping in her bed so Yuffie was selected to join her. Yuffie happily obliged and skipped off to shower. That was six people down. Elmyra got Cloud's old single bed and it was moved into Cloud and Tifa's room. Tifa, Shera, and Elena where sharing Tifa and Cloud's king size (Horny fanboys have boners), Rufus and Tseng where sharing a queen size air bed in Cloud's office (it was interesting to see the president of Shin-Ra and a respected Turk arguing like eight year olds over who was being a cover hog), Red XIII just curled up in front of the fire place in the living room, Vincent, Cloud and Kadaj got the pull out couch in the living room (Horny fangirls have female-boners, although mini-Kadaj sorta ruins the moment), Reeve got the single air bed, Cid got the love-seat, Barret got the chair and ottoman, and Reno and Rude got the floor in the bar (mostly because Reno asked to sleep with the women so he could "protect" them.)

Vincent laid Kadaj down on the pull out couch. He had to go put on his pajamas and would rather not have been watched like a hawk by a three year old. Cloud was already comfortable on his side of the bed. The moment Kadaj left Vincent's arms he woke up.

"Where you goin'?"

"The bathroom, Kadaj. Am I allowed to go there without your accompaniment?" Kadaj pondered the question.

"Yeah go." Vincent rolled his eyes. He had to do something about Kadaj's unhealthy attachment to him.

If it wasn't bad enough that Kadaj had to sleep next to Vincent, Kadaj decided that he had sleep on top of Vincent. The moment Vincent lay down the toddler climbed right on to his chest. Every time Vincent would move him back to the bed he'd climb up again. Finally, Vincent decided to compromise and lay only Kadaj's head on his chest. The boy promptly fell asleep in this position.

'Your such a softie Vincent.'

'Shut up Chaos, I was just trying to get him to sleep.'

'Well your fueling his clinginess.'

'I'm weaning him off of me.'

'Weaning? Interesting choice of words Vince.'

'You know what I meant, idiot!'

'Uh oh! Somebody's a little cranky!' Chaos said in a voice someone might use when talking to a two year old.

'Stupid patronizing demon!'

'No no Vinnie we don't use mean words! Chaos is going to have to put Vinnie to bed early tonight. Say night-night Vinnie.'

'Night-Night Cha-Cha.' (that's pronounced Kay-Kay if anyone was wondering.) Vincent said in the same patronizing tone. Chaos smirked and Vincent moved into a quiet world of sub-conscience.

'Vince. Vince. Vince! VINCENT GRIMOIRE VALENTINE WAKE THE HELL UP!'

'Chaos? What's gotten you so excited?'

'They're taking pictures.'

'What?'

'They're taking pictures!'

'Taking pictures? What the hell Chaos! Quit speaking in riddles!'

'They're taking pictures of you, imbecile!' Vincent was still confused, but he woke up any way. He heard a lot of snickers and giggles.

'What the? Why is my chest so heavy?' He looked down and saw Kadaj on top of him. It finally dawned on him what Chaos was talking about when he said that they were taking pictures. He looked up and saw most of his friends laughing and Tifa holding a camera.

Vincent growled and moved Kadaj off of him, but Vincent didn't realize when Kadaj grabbed the waistband of his black pajama pants and when he went to stand up his pants were pulled down revealing the pink Chocobo patterned boxers Yuffie had gotten him last Christmas. If Vincent hadn't been embarrassed before he definitely was now. His friends roared with laughter, waking Kadaj up fully. The toddler might have been upset if he hadn't noticed why his daddy's friends were laughing and thought it funny too. Vincent quickly pulled up his pants, grabbed his backpack, and rushed to the bathroom, knowing he'd never be able to live this down.

That was it: Kadaj was quitting him cold turkey.

**A/N: I bet your thinking "Damn that chapter sucked it was super boring!" I promise it'll get better. That was just an intro I haven't really started torturing Vinnie yet. I swear I'm not giving up on Cloud Strife! R&R, C&C and drink eight glasses of water a day.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Vincent Valentine a... dad?**

******Disclaimer: Yo momma don't own Final Fantasy or any of its stories or characters! And neither do I.**

******Chapter Two: Operation: Clobber Clingy Kadaj!**

Three days later...

At breakfast things were chaotic (as to be expected of place with 21 people staying in it) To Vincent's absolute relief no one had really brought up the incident that took place on the first night of his stay. (Although, Vincent had the oddest feeling they were planning some big reveal.)  
>Vincent had been hoping that Kadaj's clinginess would just magically disappear but of course it didn't. So when Vincent tried to sit Kadaj at a table different from himself he found himself confronted with the beginnings of a tantrum that he <em>COULD NOT<em> deal with at the moment so he gave in and Kadaj was cheerful and comfortable on his lap while Vincent was, in the lamest of terms, pissed.

He narrowed his eyes at the toddler. "Kadaj, you are like a parasite sticking to and sucking the life out of me." Kadaj, for some reason, then decided it was the appropriate time to _LICK VINCENT'S FACE._

__Vincent basically threw him at Tifa and ran to the bathroom.

* * *

><p>"I'm going to sneak out of the house. We <em>CANNOT<em> let Kadaj see me." Vincent would not survive if he had another minute if Kadaj clinging to him like one of them had been playing with super glue while the other was in the vicinity.

"How are you going to do that? He doesn't let you go, remember?"

"Reeve, you always ruin everything!" Wait a minute. Pause: Did Vincent really just say that like some sort of overlarge-tantrum-throwing-four-year-old-man-girl? Reeve smacked him in the face.

"I guess you really do need to get out. You're sounding like an overlarge-tantrum-throwing-four-year-old-man-girl." Hmm. Guess he did.

"It's Kadaj! That child will be the death of me."

"Well then. I guess we'll call this Operation Clobber Clingy Kadaj."

"Here, here," Vincent toasted and clapped his glass with Reeve's. And with that began Operation Clobber Clingy Kadaj.

* * *

><p>"WHEWE DADDY," Kadaj screamed at the top of his lungs.<p>

"HE'S NOT FUCKIN' HERE, YOU CRAZY ANIMAL!" Cid screamed back.

"I WANT MY DADDY!"

"WELL, YOU AIN'T GONNA GET YOUR GODDAMN DADDY 'TIL HE COMES BACK, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP SCREAMING IN THIS DAMN HOUSE BEFORE I REALLY GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO SCREAM ABOUT!" Cid shouted entirely losing his explosive temper.

Kadaj was right behind him when it came to an explosive temper, "YOU FUCKIN' SCREAMIN', TOO!"

"I'M ABOUT TO KNOCK YOUR LITTLE ASS OUT!" Cid said moving toward the toddler.

"Cid Highwind you WILL NOT touch that child!" Shera said putting a hand on Cid's chest.

"Fine," Cid said calmed slightly.

"HA, HA YOU'RE WHIPPED!" Sephiroth called rolling with laughter. Cid turned magenta. Wow, I thought _that_ color only existed in my Crayola box of sixty-four. Hmm.

When Vincent walked back into Seventh Heaven he saw a purple Cid chasing a six year old Sephiroth around, intent on strangling him.

'Well, that doesn't seem kosher!' Chaos said laughing. Vincent mentally gave him the evil eye.

"Cid, stop attacking Sephiroth." Vincent said calmly.  
>"Vince, if those kids weren't <em>your<em> kids…"

"Don't him angry; you wouldn't like him when he's angry," Seph snickered. Vincent gave him that shut-up-before-_I_-come-over-there-and-shut-you-up look.

'Aww, someone's really becoming a daddy! LEVEL UP! You now have the ability to give looks!' Vincent wished he knew a way to murder the demon in his head.

"DADDY! YOU DON"T LEAVE ANYMORE!" Kadaj said giving Vincent an adorable pout. Vincent sighed petting Kadaj on the head. Operation: Clobber Clingy Kadaj; Mission One; FAILURE.

**A/N: Yo momma wants you to R&R and C&C! And so do I.  
><strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Vincent Valentine a... dad?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. JFGI!**

**Chapter Three: HONEY! I LOST THE KIDS!**

"Everyone! Breakfast!" Tifa shouted. There was a sound that could be easily confused with stampeding rhinoceros as everyone rushed down stairs to eat. Vincent some how managed to get in the _middle _of the group, so what he made it down the stairs at last, he was bruised and pissed off.

"Oh, Vincent!" Tifa called waving him over. Vincent rushed to her. She was holding Kadaj, it seemed Tifa was the only one he'd go to and stay with aside from Vincent, "Vincent, I'm going to-" But Vincent didn't hear what she was going to do because Loz decided it was the perfect time to turn on the blender at full blast and start mixing up some gray globby stuff (that he would later force Vincent to drink, but that's a different story to be told at a different ttime). But, Tifa continued as if nothing else was going on. Finally, Loz turned off the blender, "-em, okay?" Vincent had absolutely no clue what she'd said but he was annoyed and hungry so he nodded.

"Yeah that's okay." Vincent prayed to the goddess that it hadn't been anything too important.

* * *

><p>"Daddy, Oz is crying. AGAIN." Sephiroth informed him. Vincent rolled his eyes. "Oz" was always crying.<p>

"Okay Loz, what's wrong?"

"Picklesfallodafoor!" he blubbered

"Stop crying Ozballs, I can't understand you," Ozballs? Where had that come from? Vincent had never called any of his kids anything other than their names. (and sometimes each other's names. Hey, they looked a lot alike!)

'OMG Vin! Ozballs? LEVEL UP! You are now able to make nicknames that'll embarrass your kids in the future.'

'Chaos, did you just say OMG?'

"I-I'm not crying!"

Vincent rolled his eyes.

"Then what were you doing?" Sephiroth asked sarcastically, "Yodeling?"

"I'm not a baby! Only babies cry!" Loz yelled.

'Could've fooled me.' Chaos snickered.

"Could've fooled me." Sephiroth said rudely.

'Chaos, it's not comforting to know that you and my six year old seem to be on the same wave length.'

'I love the kid!'

'Remind me never to let him meet you.'

"Daaaaddddy!" Loz shouted at the top of his lungs all the while his lower lip quivering, "Tell Sephy to stop being meeeeaaaan!"

Vincent felt a migraine coming on.

"DON'T CALL ME SEPHY!"

"Sephiroth, please don't yell daddy has a headache." I still felt odd for Vincent to refer to himself as daddy.

"WHY NOT? I WANNA CALL YOU SEPHY!"

"Loz, what did daddy just say about yelling?"

"AND I WANNA CALL YOU CRYBABY BUT I CAN'T SO YOU CAN'T CALL ME SEPHY!"

"I'M NOT A CRYBABY BUT YOU ARE A SEPHY SO I CAN CALL YOU SEPHY!" Vincent face-palmed.

"YOU ARE A CRYBABY! KADAJ AND YAZOO AREN'T CRYBABIES AS MUCH AS YOU AND THEY'RE ONLY THREE AND FOUR!"

"YOUR A BIG-"

The door opened and Nanaki and Rufas walked in.

"We're sorry to interrupt your screaming fest, but do any of you actually know where Kadaj and Yazoo _are_?" Rufas asked calmly.

Vincent froze.

Oh crap. Oh crap indeed.

* * *

><p>"I don't know where they are." Sephiroth answered uncertainly.<p>

"Me neither." Loz said, sniffling.

"Vincent, do you know?"

The look on Vincent's face told the other four he had _no clue_ where his youngest two children were.

* * *

><p>"Seriously Vince, how'd you lose Kadaj, the kid sticks to you like an overlarge lichen." Cid chuckled. The looks on everyone's faces told him that no one was in the mood for laughs at Vincent's failing at fatherhood.<p>

"That _is_ a legitimate question, Vincent. How did you lose Kadaj?" Reeve asked genuinely interested.

"He doesn't stick to me _every _second. If he knows exactly where I am he can be away from me for about five minutes."

"It's been much longer than five minutes. Where could they be?" Shera asked worriedly.

"Maybe-"

"Wait, so we're assuming they're together," Rude interrupted.

Vincent groaned. He hadn't even thought about the fact that the kids might not be together.

"Let's split up and search for them," Nanaki suggested. Everyone nodded it seemed like good idea. "Remember, they are small, they'll fit in nooks and crannies you can't."

"There are fifteen adults here, we'll find 'em no sweat!" Barret called clapping Vincent on the back

* * *

><p>"So, we didn't them in five hours, yo. Chillax. They're probably okay," Reno said attempting to comfort Vincent and failing miserably.<p>

"Don't tell me to... 'chillax', Reno! My three and four old children are missing!" Vincent shouted back.

"You'd better be happy Tifa's not home, Vince," Cloud threw in randomly. All eyes turned to him.

"Why?"

"Because, if Tifa were home you wouldn't be part of this search."

"Why not?"

"Because, I would've murdered you with my bare hands five hours ago." Everyone paled at the sound of the cool voice from the door way.

"T-tifa! What's going on?" He tried to sound innocent, Vincent looked more afraid then anyone had ever seen him (well except for this morning but that'll be explained in chapter 4). Tifa's eye twitched.

"How about you tell _me_ what's going on VINCENT GRIMIORE VALENTINE!"

"Tank you fow da ice ceam Tifa!" Kadaj and Yazoo shouted coming into the bar holding two huge oreo cookie cones. Tseng and Yuffie followed behind carrying huge bags. Vincent gaped opened mouthed.

"You guys are very welcome!" Tifa turnned around smiling warmly.

"Tifa! Why didn't you tell me you were taking them out?" Tifa rounded on him.

"I _DID_ TELL YOU VINCENT! THIS MORNING?" Vincent tried to remember all that had gone on that morning. Lets see, he';d woken up with Kadaj's pee all over him, Kadaj had then sneezed right in his face, next he was trampled down stairs, after that Loz had turned on the blender and made that gray goo that had- wait a minute? Tifa had been talking to him when Loz had turned on the blender. Crap.

"You weren't listening were you?"

"No no! I was but I couldn't hear you!"

"I asked you if that was alright, and what did you say?" When Vincent didn't say anything Tifa answered her own question in a dopey voice, "You said: 'Yeah, that's okay.'"

"It was Loz's fault he was using the blender!" Vincent retorted childishly feeling like a tattle-tailing kid.

Loz's lower lip jutted out and started to quiver.

"Don't blame on Loz!"

"It was his fault!" Vincent maintained stubbornly.

Loz began crying."It wasn't my fault!" he wailed.

"Vincent, you've got ten seconds." Tifa said, letting some of her anger leak into her words.

"Ten seconds? Ten seconds to..."

"Ten seconds to run. Oh wait, nine now."

"Tifa can we talk about this..."

"Eight."

"Tifa calm down!"

"Seven."

"Ti-"

"Six.

Vincent finally decided it would be a good idea to run so he did just that.

"Five, Four, Three, Two, One." Tifa said quickly rushing out of the room after Vincent. Sounds of glass and wood breaking could be heard. There were also a good amount of sounds that sounded a lot like a meet and great for Justin Bieber might.

"Will daddy be okay?" Kadaj asked looking quite worried.

Yuffie snickered and said, "The world may never know!"

**A/N: I'm sorry for not updating in forever. So much crap has been going on. And this was the only story I could actually write for. Well this time I'll be updating soon. Love y'all. R&R, C&C and instead shooting the sheriff shoot the deputy.**

**P.S. **There is a kind of sort of pun in here. If anyone can find it and point it out they get a special prize.****


	4. Chapter 4

**Vincent Valentine A... Dad?**

**Disclaimer: Bu Budd Buu Budda Buddaa Bud Buds Buuudaaa Budadu buada ba bauadabu.**

**Chapter Four: And This is Why Vincent Doesn't Except Protein Shakes From Five Year Olds**

**A/N: This is what happened at breakfast with the gray globby stuff Loz was mixing up. It's actually quite an important story.**

_**Last Time on Vincent Valentine...**_

_"Everyone! Breakfast!" Tifa shouted. There was a sound that could be easily confused with stampeding rhinoceros as everyone rushed down stairs to eat. Vincent some how managed to get in the middle of the group, so what he made it down the stairs at last, he was bruised and pissed off._

_"Oh, Vincent!" Tifa called waving him over. Vincent rushed to her. She was holding Kadaj, it seemed Tifa was the only one he'd go to and stay with aside from Vincent, "Vincent, I'm going to-" But Vincent didn't hear what she was going to do because Loz decided it was the perfect time to turn on the blender at full blast and start mixing up some gray globby stuff (that he would later force Vincent to drink, but that's a different story to be told at a different time). But, Tifa continued as if nothing else was going on. Finally, Loz turned off the blender, "-em, okay?" Vincent had absolutely no clue what she'd said but he was annoyed and hungry so he nodded._

_"Yeah that's okay." Vincent prayed to the goddess that it hadn't been anything too important._

* * *

><p>Loz was a man with a mission. He woke up in the morning with an idea in his head that wouldn't leave until did it. Usually when he got an idea while doing something, he usually forgot when he started doing something else. But this was an stubborn idea it wasn't going any where. Even when he brushed his teeth he kept his idea. Even when Sephy tripped him on purpose and Loz accidentally tripped Cid and Cid accidentally tripped Reno and Reno accidentally tripped Rude and Rude accidentally tripped Barret and Barret almost flattened Yuffie, who accidentally tripped Cloud who almost squashed Yazoo who accidentally tripped Rufas and Rufas accidentally stepped on Nanaki's tail and- well basically everyone either got tripped or fallen on, (or in Vincent's case tripped on, fallen on, stepped on, pushed on, punched on, and kicked) Loz still kept his idea.<p>

He decided that the best course of action to execute his idea was to "just do it".

Loz was going to make his daddy a protein shake.

* * *

><p>Vincent figured the day might not be so bad when he was able to sit down at the table and fill a plate without Kadaj on his lap. Of course since the new additions to the Valentine family (previously a family of <em>one)<em> it was beyond the bounds of possibility, absurd, contrary to reason, cureless, futile, hardly possible, hopeless, hundred-to-one, impassable, impervious, impracticable, impractical (yes impracticable and impractical mean two different things), inaccessible, inconceivable, not executable, infeasible, insurmountable, unrealizable, irreparable, no-go, no-way, no-win, not a prayer, out of the question, preposterous, too much, not frigging happening, unachievable, unattainable, uncorrectable, unfeasible, unimaginable, unobtainable, unreasonable, unrecoverable, and absolutely unthinkable, that Vincent could have a good day. So, of course his luck was subject to change. And change it did.

* * *

><p>The moment Vincent was about to lift a forkful of cheese eggs and beef sausage to his mouth Loz came running over and thrust a a cup full of a gray substance that seemed gelatinous, yet liquidy, directly under Vincent's nose.<p>

'DUDE! That smells rank, yo!'

'Chaos, that sentence shows me we've been with Reno way too much.'

'Seriously though, whatever that is smells like rancid gym socks.'

"Umm Loz?" Loz gave Vincent a huge toothy grin which Vincent immediately decided scared him.

"Daddy I made your a breakfast shake!"

'He expects us to _drink _that?'

"Uh, Loz I really don't want to drink that."

"W-why?" Loz asked his lower lip trembling and his eyes filling with tears.

'Well, little wimpy child,' Chaos began. Vincent felt an uncomfortable pang in his chest. Maybe he should drink a little to make Loz happy... 'Damnation Vincent! Are you seriously wavering? The stuff in the cup looks like it wants to drink you!'

'Shut up, Chaos.'

"Don't cry Loz, Daddy will drink it," said Vincent attempting you mask the absolute disgust in his voice.

'LEVEL UP! Vincent you are now able to speak in the third person. i.e. call yourself Daddy.'

"Yay! I love you, Daddy!" Vincent was starting to think maybe the happiness on Loz's face would make up for drinking the- well whatever it was supposed to be. He was of course entirely wrong.

The moment Vincent lifted the cup to his face the gelatinous-yet-liquidy-gray-blob jumped out of the the cup and on to his face.

* * *

><p>For half a second everyone was frozen in surprise. That was until Vincent began yelling. All the females and Kadaj screamed. Loz started hyperventilating. His daddy was being attacked by a protein shake. Barret cocked his machine gun arm and prepared to shoot until Reeve grabbed him saying, "Don't shoot it's on Vincent's face you might accidentally shoot him instead!" When Vincent managed to pry the thing of his face with a rather disgusting sounding <em>swelch!<em>, Yuffie began beating it with a spatula.

"STOP TRYING TO KILL MY SOON TO BE BOYFRIEND YOU GRODY MACRO-MOLECULE!" Barret shot it a few times but it seemed to absorb the bullets. Tseng stabbed it with a butter knife and crammed it into an ugly old music/jewelry box. You could here the thing screaming from inside.

"Take it to the dump Cloud!" Tseng said throwing the box at the spiky haired man. Ten minutes later after Cloud had left with box, things had calmed down slightly, no one was screaming and Vincent was the only one having trouble breathing. Head curled himself into a ball on the chair and was rocking back and forth.

"D-daddy?" Loz said approaching his father meekly, "I can make a new one..." Vincent's eyes widened in horror.

'The fuck? What the hell is wrong with your kid Vince? The first protein shake nearly suffocated us and he wants to make another one?'

"NO LOZ!" Vincent screamed, Loz's lower lip jutted out and began trembling, "I mean, uh, I'm not hungry right now." Loz smiled.

"Okay daddy!"

* * *

><p><em>IN THE BOX WITH THE GELATINOUS YET LIQUIDY BLOB<em>

The Gelatinous-Yet-Liquidy-Blob was pissed. How dare they trap him in a box and sent him to the dump? He'd be back. Oh yes he'd be back. And he would get his revenge.

**A/N: I KNOW, I KNOW! I'M THE WORST AUTHOR EVER! SORRY SO MUCH SHIT'S BEEN HAPPENING! I'M SORRY! PLEASE R&R AND C&C PLEASE? :'( **

**BTDUBS: I _WILL _UPDATE MY OTHER TWO STORIES. _SOOOOOONNNNN!_**


	5. Chapter 5: Kids Say the Darnest Things

**Vincent Valentine... A dad?**

** Chapter Five: Kids Say the Darnedest Things (A.K.A In Which Rufas Accidentally Mentions That the Turks Have Retirement Pensions)**

** Disclaimer: **

**Roses are red**

**Violets are more purple than blue**

**Yoichi Wada, I really hate you**

** Warning: I guess I'm obligated to warn you that there will be a lot of swearing in this chapter. What can I say, Cid has a potty-mouth.**

Out of all of Vincent's annoying ass brats, Cid liked Yazoo the most. He wasn't a shit talkin' little punk with more attitude than his puny body could handle (Sephiroth), he wasn't a whiny pussy-ass little bitch (Loz), and he wasn't a screamy clingy little dickhead (Kadaj). Yep, Yazoo was none of those things, he was quiet and calm just like a kid should be. That's why Cid asked for some private surrogate uncle-nephew time while everyone else went out together, so he could really get to know the kid. Well, that and the fact that he'd bet an obscenely large amount of gil on Sparky the Chocobo and needed to watch the races.

"I really wanna go but this is my perfect chance to spend some time with Zooie. Ya'll have fun now, ya hear?" He said smiling at his "family".

Cid could've sworn Rude gave him a rude look but I he couldn't exactly tell because of the glasses.

"What's this sports fans? It seems the favorite to win, Sparky the Chocobo, has decided to stop, literally, FOUR FEET from the goal!"

"WHAT THE HELL! DON'T STOP YOU RETARDED CHOCOBO! RUN, MOTHERFUCKER RUN!"

"And he's still just standing there! This is insane sports fans!"

"WHAT THE FUCK CROSS THE DAMN FINISH LINE YA DUMB BITCH!"

"Oh my! Sparky the Chocobo has just allowed the second favorite Dandelion to pass him! Will Sparky go over the finish line now…?"

"COME OHN YA LIL' SHIT LICKIN' ASSHO' YA OUGHTA LEAST GET SECON'!" Yazoo was beginning to notice that the angrier Cid got the harder he was to understand.

"Sparky the Chocobo has just allowed the THIRD favorite Buttercup to pass him!"

"OH MAH FUCKIN'—GET THIRD YA YELLA FAGGOT—YA GOTTA GET THIRD!"

"Will Sparky go for third?"

"HE BETTA GO FO' THIRD!"

"Nope sports fans, it seems Sparky wants to keep his feet firmly where they are because he's just let Sunshine the Chocobo get third place giving up the last medal he could have possibly received in this race."

"IF I EVA MEET THAT FUCKIN' RETARD YELLA HO IM GON' STUFF 'EM AND EAT 'EM FO' THANKSGIVIN' DINNA! DUMB ASS WHORE OVA BIRD!"

"Dumb ass whowe of a biwd!" Yazoo repeated cheerfully. Cid froze.

"Uh, Yazoo, don't-"

"Shit licking asshowe!"

"Stop it!" But Yazoo was just warming up.

"Wun modafucka wun!"

"YAZOO, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"Shut da fuck up!" Yazoo screeched in return.

"Nooooooo!" Cid groaned face-palming, "Yazoo, Zooie, Yazzy please will you stop saying those words?"

"Why?"

"Cause… cause them words you're saying, they're bad words and bad words make your daddy… hurt." Cid wanted to pat himself on the back when Yazoo's eyes got comically large.

"Make Daddy cwy like Oz?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah! Those words make your daddy cry like Loz, so you can't say them around him or anyone else."

"Kay."

"So you won't say anymore bad words, promise?"

"Pomise."

"Good."

* * *

><p>When everyone else got back Cid decided to tell the men, aside from Vincent, of course, what had happened with Yazoo.<p>

"We got a problem guys."

"I don't have any problems," Tseng stated rather pompously.

"Yeah, 'cept that huge dick up yo' ass," Barret responded with a roll of his eyes.

"Seriously! We've got a huge problem! I, uh, I mean, I sorta, uh, ya know, um..."

"Cid, what's wrong? You've never been a man of few words..." Reeve said placing a hand on Cid shoulder.

"Well, I, ahem..."

"Just spit it out, yo!"

"I sorta, kinda, taught Yazoo how to swear." Cid had been expecting the explosion, really, he had.

"WHAT?!"

"WHY?!"

"THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"It was an accident! Sparky the Chocobo fucked up the race and let everyone pass him and I got pissed! I said some things and Yazoo started repeatin' 'em!"

"I can't believe you taught the quietest of Vincent's children to swear," Nanaki said.

"I can," Cloud muttered.

"I really don't see how this is my problem."

"Go fuck yaself Tseng! Us men stick together in this family!" Cid shouted, "If I'm goin' down ya'll all gonna go down with me!"

"This is a family? Yo, I thought we were just a group of crazies!" Reno said, cackling wildly at his own joke.

"Shut up Reno," Cloud said with a roll of his eyes.

"You do know that you included yourself in this 'group of crazies' right?" Rufas said, effectively raining on Reno's parade.

"Back to the topic at hand!" Nanaki said quickly, "What are going to do about this, uh, situation?"

"Well I already told the kid whenever he swears Vincent gets hurt so..."

"Oh yeah, that helps," Barret scoffed, "Whatta we gonna do smack Vince every time the kid starts cussin'?" He paused at the groups' calculating looks, "Oh c'mon ya'll ain't serious?!"

"Why not Barret?" Reeve asked with a shrug.

"Because, because... I mean really! Ain't the chicks gonna notice us randomly hittin' Vincent? No, forget about the chicks, ain't _Vincent_ gonna notice us randomly hittin' Vincent?"

"It's a chance we must take," Reeve said firmly, "We'll call this Operation: Curb Kiddy Cursing!"

"Reeve, what is with you a naming things operation blah blah?" Tseng asked with mild interest.

"Don't judge me Tseng! I am your elder!" Reeve squawked stomping out of the room.

"What's goin' on with him?" Cid asked.

They all shook their heads.

"Let's just say it involves Cait Sith, a six year old girl, and a Christmas tree," Cloud said ominously.

"Um, yeah, let's just get outta here 'fore Yazoo starts cussin' again," Cid decided quickly.

* * *

><p>A few hours passed without incident, and Cid had calmed considerably. Maybe he hadn't ruined Vincent's only good kid permanently?<p>

"Shut da fuck up, Oz!" Everyone froze.

"Yazoo sweetie, what did you just say?" Shera asked bending down to his level.

Yazoo opened his mouth repeat himself and Cid quickly interjected, "He said 'get the muck cup, Loz'."

"The 'muck cup'?" Yuffie asked.

"Yeah, uh, that's what he calls the bowls we put the... oatmeal in," Rufas said thinking fast.

"Oh," Yuffie said still looking rather confused

Rude nudged Barret and pointed to Vincent, who in turn nudged Cloud, who was holding a bag of frozen wingdings. When Cloud noticed the two men gesturing toward Vincent he immediately hauled off and whacked the former Turk in the head with the chicken.

"OW! CLOUD?!" The injured man screeched. Yazoo snickered.

"Sorry Vin I didn't notice you there."

"Cloud, I'm six-two, I have long black hair, and I'm wearing a bright red cape, how did you _not notice me_?"

"I'll pay better attention next time."

"Okay everyone calm down. Lets get lunch started, Cloud put that chicken in a bowl of water."

The rest of lunch passed by uneventfully.

* * *

><p>Nearly three hours later everyone was in the living preparing to watch a movie.<p>

"Sefiwoth you a whowe!"

"What's that you said Yazoo? Sephiroth we need more? I very much agree Yazoo, we do need more popcorn! Go make more Sephiroth!" Nanaki said. Sephiroth stared at him like he'd grown six heads.

"I don't think that's what he said," Sephiroth mumbled looking uncertain for the first time in his reincarnated existence.

"Of course that's what said!" Reeve shouted cheerfully, "Go make some more popcorn, quick, before the movie starts."

"Where's Vincent?" Cloud muttered.

"Kitchen," Reeve whispered, "We'll get him when he comes in." The other guys nodded.

Vincent walked in only a moment later holding an open bag of skittles, Barret following behind. Cloud made a smacking sort of gesture and Barret, good ol' Barret, immediately getting the message, went barreling into Vincent like a football player. In an odd turn of events, which would later make Rufas question everything his physics teacher had ever taught him, Vincent went flying over over the couch somehow managing to bang his head, land on his back with a rather sickening crunch, and dump the entire bag of skittles into his mouth. Yuffie strutted in just as Vincent's throat was starting to register the fact that his windpipe was being obstructed.

"Wow Vincent you really _do_ like tasting the rainbow!" Yuffie said as Vincent turned an unhealthy shade that was a vaguely interesting mix betwixt(1) red and green. Yazoo sat on the armchair giggling quietly.

Barret, good ol' Barret, realizing the man was choking walked over and began walloping him on the back.

Needless to say it didn't help. _At all_.

* * *

><p>Finally it was almost bedtime. Good sweet bedtime, when little kids couldn't curse and grown men didn't have to beat the swearing child's father with anything that was handy. For the last six hours Yazoo had said pretty much every obscenity known to man.<p>

Hot Chocolate. The last step, the very last step before the bedtime routine. They could survive Hot Chocolate. They would survive Hot Chocolate!

"We can't survive Hot Chocolate."

"Don't be that way Cloud!" Reeve said clapping him on the back, "We will survive!"

"Nuh uh, yo. Chocobo head is right. The sky is falling on our shoulders and we can't hold it."

"Wow Reno! That was very poetic of you!" Nanaki said looking proud.

"Yeah, I heard it in some hipster song!" Nanaki face-palmed.

"And here I thought civility had actually been rubbing off on him." Tseng muttered sarcastically.

"Why you mad, bro?"

"You exist, ergo; I am angry."

"I think you're mad because Elena only gives it to you about once a month, yo."

"Well no one ever 'gives it' to you so I am decidedly the winner on that front."

"You know what Tseng-"

"Indeed, I do not know what but I assume you are about to tell me."

"Yeah, Imma tell you yo!"

"Nobody's gonna tell anyone anythin' 'cept me, and Imma tell y'all to shut y'all fuckin' mouths before Yazoo ruins all our hard work."

"Cid's kinda right."

Tseng snorted.

"Nobody fuckin likes you, yo."

"Okay, okay, this is over. Tseng, Reno act like mature adults or I will start taking money out of your retirement pensions."

"We have retirement pensions?" Rude asked sharply.

"What? Did I say retirement pensions? I meant to say you are going to work for me your entire life until one or both of us collapses."

"So do we have retirement pensions or don't we yo?"

"How about no?"

"Then why did you suggest taking money-"

"Can we talk about retirement options later?" Reeve interjected, "We're kinda short on time."

"You're right Reeve let's go!" Rufas said sounding all too eager to get away from the topic of pensions.

* * *

><p>There's always something very satisfying about sitting around the table on a cold night drinking fresh hot chocolate with the people you hold dear. Tseng and Reno were scowling at each other, Rude was glaring at Rufas, Cloud was glowering at Cid, Loz was sobbing, Yuffie was violating Vincent with her eyes, Vincent was using his eyes to beg Barret for help, and Shera was sharing a look with Tifa. There just was so much <em>love<em> around the table.

Five minutes before Tifa was about to tell the kids it was time for bed disaster struck, violently.

Loz, finally fed up with Sephiroth's berating, threw his arms out it an attempt to slap his older brother. He failed. What he actually did was smack Yazoo's half full mug of delicious, warm, marshmallow-y, cocoa on to the floor. There was absolute silence for a moment.

"WHAT DA FUCK SHIT LICKIN' ASSHOWE DUMB ASS WHOWE OF A BIWD!"

They all froze in absolute horror. Even Loz was too stunned to cry.

"YOU BITCH CRYBABY PUSSY!"

"Well there goes that," Cloud mumbled. Reno gallantly sacrificed his own piping hot chocolate by dumping it all over Vincent's lap.

Vincent leapt into the air screaming loudly.

"MOTHERFUCKER! MY BALLS! MY BALLS!"

Yazoo cackled madly.

"He thinks it's funny! That little sadist thinks it's funny when people get hurt! That's why we couldn't curb his cursing!" Reeve realized as Vincent started stripping.

Shera looked like she was about to explode.

"Shera, it ain't what it seems like!"

"Shera, it's exactly what it seems like."

"Yo, you're a fucking kiss up traitor Tseng!"

"You have one working brain cell and an IQ of 5!"

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ANAL BASTARD?"

"WHAT YOU DULLARD?"

"The hell is a dullard?" Barret whispered.

"An insulting word for someone of diminished capacity; a dumb fuck," Rude quietly responded.

"A dumb fuck? Is that what it says in the dictionary?" Nanaki asked rhetorically. Rude shrugged.

"Enough you two! This is probably where Yazoo got all this swearing from!" Tifa shouted angrily.

"Nah yo! It wasn't us! We didn't swear around the kid!"

"For once this moron is actually being sensical. We haven't sweared around the children."

"The past of swear is sworn or swore." Cloud interrupted.

"Is it? That always sounds wrong to me."

"Yeah it's sworn or swore."

"Are you sure it's the same when talking about having used obscenities in the past? I know that's right for promises but..."

"No, no it's for both I googled it."

"Oh okay it must be right then."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Vincent was in his boxer briefs spraying his lap with cold water from the sink.<p>

'Did he scald your genitalia Vincent?'

'I can't deal with you right now Chaos.'

'It was just a question.'

* * *

><p>"What about hanged and hung?"<p>

"Are we really having a conversation about semantics when Yazoo thinks its okay to curse!" Tifa screeched.

"Wait a second, why did Yazoo call Loz a dumb ass whore of a bird?" Elena asked confusedly.

"What do you mean?" Tifa said with similar bemusement.

Shera, for her part, wasn't at all confused.

"CIDNEY MARIAM HIGHWIND!"

"Yes'm?" Cid asked in a butter-can't-melt-in-my-mouth voice.

"Don't play dumb Cidney!" She snapped, "You bet on the Chocobo races didn't you?"

"Yes'm."

"And when your Chocobo lost you started swearing?"

"Yes'm."

"And Yazoo was sitting right there?"

"Yes'm."

"You didn't even stay home to have quality time with your nephew did you?"

"That ain't true honey!"

"Cid, don't lie to me! You stayed home to watch those races! Didn't you? Didn't you?" There was a tense silence as everyone waited for his answer.

"Yes'm," Cid mumbled hanging his head.

"You probably told Yazoo every he time says a bad word someone has to hit Vincent."

"Yes'm, just about."

"And when the guys got home you got them involved in this mess."

Cid nodded meekly.

"Well I've changed the rules," Cid looked up nervously, "Every time Yazoo says a bad word someone has to hit you!"

"What? C'mon Shera two wrongs don't make no right!"

"In this case, it's close enough. Now all of you apologize to Vincent!"

"Sorry Vincent," All the guys answered in unison.

"I very much dislike all of you right now," Vincent answered stiffly.

"Hey daddy?"

"Yes, Sephiroth?"

"Did Reno scald your genitalia?" Vincent froze, feeling about a thousand years old.

'LEVEL UP! You know have ability to feel much older than you should because of your weirdo children.

'I don't know how that makes my child a weirdo considering you asked the exact same question first.' Chaos continued as if he hadn't spoken. (Which technically he hadn't, again semantics)

'Although you are about fifty so I'm not sure if this one counts. What say you, Death Gigas?'

'Well since he is physically twenty-seven, he should probably feel twenty-seven so I'd say it counts. But I guess you could easily make the opposite argument. You should ask Hellmasker.'

'Good idea, hey Hell-'

'No, no bad idea! Don't call Hellmasker! I can barely deal with the two of you.'

'Ahhh, what a spoilsport you are, Vinnie.'

'Don't call me Vinnie.'

* * *

><p>"Well now that we got all that out of the way, about our retirement pensions..." Tseng started.<p>

"We have retirement pensions?" Elena asked excitedly. Rufas groaned.

Vincent was smacking Reno with a phonebook, scolding, "You _do not_ pour hot liquids on other men's private areas you idiot!" Everyone laughed at the scene.

Tifa smiled fondly. This was exactly how a family was supposed to be; dysfunctional.

**A/N: Wowzers that took a hell of a long time to write. Uh sorry about that. *scratches back of head* I personally kind of enjoyed this chapter. In the next one a dear old "friend" will come back to mess with Vincent. They thought it was gone. They were wrong. Mwahhahahahahahah! R&R, C&C and I'll stop saying I'll update soon because it never happens.**

**P.S. Oh yeah, (1): I just like the word betwixt.**


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